The Truth Hurts. Lying Hurts More

Trust is not something you can put on a shelf and forget about. It's not something you can steal, but it is something you can lose. It can be broken, and it can be repaired, but never be the way it was. Trust is a verb. It is something you do. Treat it like something you do, not something you have.

When you betray someone's trust in you, it also affects them in ways you won't know. She'll doubt herself, blame herself for what she did or didn't do, and hate herself for opening up and trusting you in the first place.

I can't tell you the right way to break up with someone, but I can tell you the wrong way. Don't try to “game the system,” because there is no system, and what you call “the system” is made up of people. And I'm pretty sure it's made up of people you say you care about.

Don't try to schedule a breakup before or after a birthday, anniversary, or holiday (Christmas and Valentine's Day come to mind) because you want to receive, or, avoid giving some gift or physical favor. Just don't schedule it at all. A good relationship should have a continually-evolving, multi-dimensional, omni-directional open system of communication. This doesn't mean be an asshole and say every bad thing about your partner that comes to mind. But when your racing thoughts about your partner are keeping you up at night, it's time to open your mouth and start talking. Don't make a plan B, don't pack your escape pod, and don't even think “it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.” Be kind, be aware, and be open. Just tell the truth, and work it out. And if you can't work it out, then leave with your head held high.

Don't make any subtle hints that you're unhappy with your partner. Come out and say them. If you're going to a strip club, say you're going to a strip club. If you want to try out some crazy kink and don't know how she'll react? Don't just leave your web site history open, what should be open is your mouth. Whatever “it” is, don't fake “it.” Don't roll your eyes, or make little breaths and sighs. Don't go through the motions with a thousand yard stare on your face. If it's done, then it's done. But it takes two people to start a relationship, and it should take two people, not just one, to end one.

Don't drop any bombshells. If you're moving, maybe graduating college or something like that, you don't just assume it'll be over, or assume it'll keep going. You gotta have that talk. You gotta set rules, and if the rules aren't working, don't break them, revise them. Don't start having an affair. There is no fifty-mile rule. No, it won't stay in Vegas. Don't take advantage of the trust your partner has in you. Don't just say you're leaving, grab your laptop and make a run for the door. Or, for that matter, don't just ignore her and hope she goes away.

When you're with someone for a long period of time, or an important period of time, you may find your identity through her. You may find that she validates you in a way you never thought possible. And it can all go away. So if that happens, where does the identity go? What happens to that validation? In a way, you put part of yourself in her, and she puts part of herself in you. You have to treat that part of yourself very gently. It's true that the truth hurts, but hiding the truth will only make it worse.