Surgical Shopping

I've come to learn a bit about “Extreme Couponing.” While there is no question that there is a certain satisfaction to buying $600 worth of groceries for $50, what they do is really the most extreme example of “a penny saved is a penny earned.” They essentially have their own business where they “make negative money,” working hard to save.

I'm not saying this is wrong, but when you think about it, if you spend ten, twenty, thirty hours a week on a part time job, say, babysitting, dog walking, envelope stuffing, and get $300 or $500 for it, no one raises an eyebrow. All they are doing is spending a lot of time cutting coupons. To really understand the value of what they are doing, consider the two sides of the spectrum of convenience and savings. One one extreme, you want a bottle of Pepsi, you need it in the next ten minutes. You go down to 7-11, wait on a short line, pay two dollars, and go back home. You have what you wanted, and it cost you ten minutes. On the other extreme, maybe you'll get some coupons, you'll save up rewards points, you'll wait for the right sale date, and you'll end up with ten two-liter bottles for the same two dollars. Not bad, I guess, but you have to find what works for you.

Consider the hidden costs of all these savings: There is the cost of real estate (usually their basement, but sometimes all over their house—note that we rarely see people with small apartments with a giant pile of toilet paper rolls), the cost in actual money of subscribing to several newspapers (about $20 or so a week, which they make up for in savings, but they'll scoff at paying wholesale club membership fees), and, most notably, the cost in time of clipping all those coupons, reviewing when the sales are, going to the store in a mindset usually reserved for Olympic training, then the time spent at the register, and adding to their horde of grocery items. Again, I don't want to sound dismissive; I admire these people. But, don't think what they do is easy, or something you can just pick up once you see it on television. It takes time, and it takes work. I'd also want to add that they walk the fine line between being practical (saving money) and being impractical (having more food than you know what to do with), and they walk the line between being proud of their ability to save money, with having external validation from a big pile of stuff.

But there is a balance. You certainly can learn a lot from them, even if you don't adhere to all their methods. I like the term “surgical shopping.” You do have to make a commitment to yourself to buy for price, not need. Take some time to clip coupons, but then wait on them. Wait for a good sale. If you get circulars from three different stores, you'll notice that most of the same items are on sale at all the stores, and one will usually have a better deal than the others. For example, at the same week, two stores may have pasta on sale, one is four for $5, the other is 88 cents each, limit of four. Which one sounds like a better deal to you? It's also a good idea, if there's a good sale, to just Google the item and add the word “coupons,” there may be something from the manufacturer's site. From there, print out some coupons, make more than one trip (even if you just turn around from the parking lot, that counts as a trip), and use different coupons for different trips; sometimes you'll get what's called a “catalina,” which is the coupon you get at the checkout for your next trip.

Here's a similar technique: I call it “buy big or stay home.” Now, this is going to take some time and space to set up, and it's somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of convenience and savings. It does take some startup cost and money, but it doesn't require a horde either. Get a wholesale club membership. Trust me, it'll pay for itself in milk and eggs alone. Then get to work taking notes on the most common items you buy, what they cost, how much you get, then do the math and determine the cost per unit. Then, compare to other places. You might want to consider the store brand of your favorite grocery store or drug store, even better if there's a coupon. Amazon has their own version of a bulk club called “subscribe and save.” Pick your favorite brands, experiment a little, don't ever have too much store or brand loyalty.

Don't forget, there are popular web sites dedicated to extreme couponing. At the very least, check them out, and print coupons you think you'll use. They'll toss around terms like “BOGO” and “Stack,” and while it doesn't hurt to learn these terms, don't get thrown by the fact that the audience for these web sites are experiences “couponers,” who will casually rattle off that you can get this or that item for four cents if you doublestack an MFR right before the EXP. Trust me, you sound exactly the same when you talk about the Heisenberg Compensators that make transporting possible.

So, quick takeaway: time is money.

Don't Let Your Natural Abilities Preclude Your Determination To Work Hard

I was once talking to someone. She said she wasn't all that smart, she just worked really hard. I disagree with that statement, I think she was very smart, but, many people who are very smart don't see themselves that way. (Comedian Joe Rogan is like that.) I think I had the opposite situation. I was naturally smart, but didn't push myself. I don't know what she's done with her life, but I'm guessing she's done better than me. I tried to find her on Linked-In, and while I can't say for sure, it looked like someone who spells her name the same way she did is married and is the director of a home and center for autistic children. As I said, I can't be sure it's the same person, but I think I can take a wild guess that her hard work paid off a lot more than my natural abilities.

I consider rapper Lil' Jon to be the world's smartest idiot. I say this because not only does his lyrical content rarely stray from the well-tread subjects of having lots of money, how attractive women's behinds are, and the positive correlation of a man's virility to his expensive and fast car, but the words he chooses are practically monosyllabic (a word I doubt Lil' Jon can even pronounce, let alone spell). Yet, he's a millionaire. He's on the cover of tons of music magazines. All by using phrases like “Yeahh!!!” “get crunk” and “Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!” You simply cannot parody the man. He's already at that level. T-Pain, similarly, has his distinctive robotic auto-tune sound from the simple fact that he's a terrible singer. If he were a better singer, he wouldn't need the auto-tune, or at least it wouldn't be as pronounced. So, by doubling down on his lack of talent, he worked hard, and became an international star.

How did they do it? I haven't the slightest fucking clue.

It's easy to just coast by on whatever you have going for you. But build a better mousetrap, and the world won't just knock down your door and throw bags full of money at you. When you get right down to it, talent barely factors into it. Look at Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen, or George W. Bush; sure they “won the genetic lottery” by having very successful parents, but, the difference between a Sheen and an Estevez is self-promotion.

Sarah Palin has this Akido technnique of turning every legitimate criticism of her intelligence, her ability to actually govern, or her support of abstinence education, (just to name a few) into an attack on her, which she then deflects onto the “Lame stream media,” the same people who made her into a household name in the first place. I have no fucking clue how she does it, how she gets away with it, or how she sleeps at night, but she did it, and I didn't, so who's really fucking smart? But she became successful through sheer force of will and self-promotion.

I've heard it said that the ultimate knowledge is knowing how you know nothing. That may be true, but I've found there are many dimensions of intelligence: book smarts, street smarts, being able to read people, being able to memorize words, knowing proper grammar and spelling, being able to fix a computer, customer service skills, being able to multi-task or uni-task, solving a Rubik's Cube, being able to hang on to useless bits of trivia (Did you know that the Rubik's Cube was invented by Enos Rubik?), puzzle solving, chess playing, I could go on for days, but, fair or not, the intelligence in real life that matters most is the kind they don't reward you for in school, and you'll never get a definitive grade on it. So accept the fact that everyone is below average at some things, above average at other things, and average at most things. On average.  

Would it Break Your Heart if I Left You?

“Would it break your heart if I left you?”

Ballsy question. “Would it break your heart if I left you?” Not “would you miss me when I’m gone,” not “do you love me,” not “do you love me the way I am?” not “does my ass look fat in these jeans?”

This is an absolutely straightforward question. If you’re unsure about a relationship, you can scheme, you can talk to your friends, you can get advice, but if your relationship is on the rocks, or you’re unsure, it’s a simple, bulletproof, yes or no question.

Ask it. But only ask it if you're not afraid of the answer.

The Bear in Your Tent

Before I even get started, this essay will probably warp your mind. Not because it's such a new, mind-blowing concept, but because I have a hard enough time understanding it myself. This will be full of paradoxes, self-contradictions, and catch-22s. And when I have it all figured it all out, I'll let you know my progress.

I picked up a saying from Merlin Mann, and I've started using it: “Fear is knowing there's a bear outside your tent, anxiety is not knowing if there's a bear outside your tent.” I've come realize, also, that fear may trigger a fight-or-flight response, but anxiety is more likely to paralyze you. The root of anxiety, ironically, is comfort: We have, and therefore we are afraid to lose what we have. Fear motivates, anxiety does not.

As I write this, Hurricane Irene is on its way to decimate the East Coast. I have taken in all the patio furniture. I have hooked up an uninterpretable power supply to my refrigerator, and even put in two frozen bottles of water to provide a little emergency cold if needed. And now... I wait. Aside from a light drizzle, it's pretty dry out there. No heavy winds yet, no thunder, nothing. There is nothing I can do at this moment to make the damage more or less severe, because it hasn't happened yet.

At this moment, I face being broke, my unemployment has run out, the place I live in is perpetually on the verge of being sold, so the threat of being “homeless” (which realistically entails moving in with with another family member, not actually living on the street) hovers above me like the sword of Damocles. I face criminal charges that could land me in jail, or at least leave me with a record, which, of course, makes it that much harder to find a job and a place. I need to further my education, see my therapist, take expensive pills, and try to plan for the future, while the very foundation I need to lay is collapsing under me.

And what can I do about it?

Nothing. Nothing more, and nothing less than I've already been doing. I can't change the situation I'm already in. I can't blame my past self, or my parents, or the President, or whoever. I can't change what I've done, I can't change the job market, there are so many avenues to look for jobs, and for every low-end ice cream scooping job out there, there are a hundred people ahead of me who are desperate to do anything, scooped ice cream in high school, or even both. There is one, and only one factor to which I have complete control: my own mind. I have learned that when you have this little control over a situation, the only way to take control is to let go.

Note that I didn't say “give up.” I said “let go.”

Giving up would be to stop looking, to stop seeing my therapist, to stop talking to my lawyer, to stop being, or at least trying, to be a good person at heart. But there comes a point when your heart starts beating faster, and your thoughts start racing, and you don't have anyone you can turn to....take a deep breath, and stay in the present moment. If you imagine a future full of pain and hopelessness, you're making the present painful and hopeless. If you dwell on your past mistakes without being able, at that moment, to fix them, you're just living with regret. So the only thing I can do is focus on this moment.

For the moment, at least, I have a roof over my head, and I won't be homeless on the street, I'll be on my brother's couch. I don't know how severe the legal punishment will be, and as irrational and unfair as the system as a whole can be, I can't change it.

So faced with this hopelessness, what can I do? Well, for one, I started this blog. I've been on a tear, applying to a dozen jobs a day, and writing essays in between. I go to bed and wake up earlier...or at least find fewer reasons to stay up. There have been plenty of times when just when I think things can't get worse, they do, and I could yell, and scream, or cry, or panic, or just hide under my bed. But those problems are still out there. Somewhere. So the only thing I can do is go outside my tent and face that bear. That is...if the bear is really out there.