The Long Run Hasn't Happened Yet

Go though any major change in your life, good or bad—a breakup, losing a job, being behind in the rent, getting injured, going on a diet, quitting smoking-- you will hear this advice, maybe say it yourself: “In the long run, it's for the best.” Or, “At the end of the day, you'll be better off.” Or some variation of that. Well, ask me in five years how I'm doing. The long run hasn't happened yet.

Here's the cold hard truth: You will not see big gains right away. You may feel a little bit better at first, but that will wear off very quickly. Then, the pain starts. You have to put down the ice cream or the cigarettes; you have to get up before the sun to do your morning run; Money problems, loneliness, heartbreak, the list goes on. You will have to be patient. And patient means not getting what you set out to get, until one day, you wake up and you already have it, you already did it, or the power is inside you, and you wonder if it was there the whole time.

I think Mad Magazine summed it up perfectly in its spoof of The Empire Strikes Back. Yoda, in this version, says to Luke, “The first thing you must learn is patience.” Luke responds, “Patience? I've got plenty of patience! What's the second thing!”

So whatever you set out to do, or whatever burden is on your shoulders, sometimes you have no choice but to wait until you get used to it. The only way out is through.

Let's give a few specific examples before moving on to general points.

Break up: You will continue to miss the person, long after you're “over it.” That person may not be the person you fell in love with anymore, but missing that memory will haunt you for years if you let it. You have memories, you have chemicals flooding your brain. It hurts. And you have to somehow pick yourself up and deal with normal life, and some how put it behind you and find someone else...when you're ready. As bad as you feel, the world won't stop so you can get your shit together. You have to simply acknowledge those feelings, those chemicals, and get used to how they feel. Those missing pieces, those memories, will never fully go away. But you will get used to that pain. And when you get used to that pain, it doesn't affect you as much. As you get used to new experiences, new memories will form, pushing out the old ones to the back of your mind. But remember, just because a relationship doesn't last as long as you expected, it doesn't invalidate the time you had together. It doesn't invalidate the discoveries you made about yourself, the person you became because of their actions (both good and bad--this is your journey, after all). What you choose to do with who you are now is up to you. Maybe you'll never fill that hole in your heart that is shaped like the person you loved. But, the only way to make it up to yourself is to be better with the next person you choose to be with. When you're ready. It won't happen tomorrow. Sorry.

Job Loss: You don't just lose money. You lose the future that came with the job. You will be angry at how well you did that job, and wonder if there will be any other job that so matches your skills. You will be used to the atmosphere of that job, whether it's suit-and-tie or Hawaiian Shirts and sandals. You will miss the people there. You will see the money in your account stop going up, and start going down. You will learn, over time, to better balance your budget, be it buying house-brand shampoo, giving up Lattes in favor of home-brewed coffee, cutting out HBO, and so on. Looking for new jobs is a complete pain in the ass. You will feel squeezed by younger people who made their career decisions earlier in life; you will feel squeezed by people with more experience than you, even former management players, looking for the same positions you are. They are your competition, and they are, in a way, imaginary. Your biggest competition is yourself. You simply have to put yourself out there. Finding a job is a full time job. With shitty benefits. And a long lunch break. Whether the HR person reading your cover letter and resume will spend five seconds skimming your letter, or give it Talmudic study, you will never know. But you have to put yourself out there. You have to put your all into every chance you have, and, paradoxically, let it go as soon as you've sent it, because rejection, or complete disregard, is almost a certainty. And you will have to wait. No matter how much effort you put in, whether you selectively choose the jobs that are perfect for you, or crop dust the job market, sending out thirty resumes every single day, five days (six? Seven?) a week, you will have to wait. And wait. And one day, you'll get that call. For an interview. That's only the second step. And your reward for all this work is, of course, to get up early, drive or catch a train somewhere, and work your ass off 40 hours a week. At least you get paid for it.

Quitting smoking: A teacher of mine once told me a story. He had smoked as a teenager, and long since quit. He hadn't had a smoke in over fifteen years. One day, he was visiting where he grew up, and he found himself leaning against a certain wall, craving a cigarette. He really took notice of that feeling, and how strange it was, that here he was, after all these years, he just had it ingrained in his head that that place was associated with having a cigarette. I've also known people who smoke only when they drink. During the week, they don't smoke, but when they go out and drink, they smoke. When they try to quit smoking entirely, they have to cut back on their drinking, too. When you're a smoker, the entire ritual is a habit. It's a coping mechanism. When you are stressed, you have a smoke: despite the long-term damage to your lungs, it's soothing to take that deep breath and feel the hot smoke in your lungs. You step outside, take yourself out of the situation, and give yourself time to think the problem, whatever it is, over. The cigarette ritual, if you took out the cigarettes themselves, are a perfectly healthy way to deal with stress. But, once that habit is ingrained, it's pretty much set. Think about this, what do you do with your hands, or what do you stuff in your mouth, when you get stressed or fidgety?How do you make friends if you can't go up to someone and say “hey, got a light?” Oh, and that's not even mentioning the nicotine addiction.

Whether you are injured, arrested, or betrayed, whether you learn an instrument, try to turn a hobby into a money-making venture, move to a new town, any change, good or bad, is simply a question of waiting until you notice the change has happened. And of course, there's no guarantee it will work. The long run never happens. Until it already did.