Make Someone Happy

Everyone has heard the saying, “if you love something, let it go.” There's some truth to that, but it implies an impossible choice. It also suggests that your beloved will return one day. As I've already observed, the person you know is gone. She won't come back. Not as you knew her. So, I have my version:

If you love someone enough, you want her (him) to be happy, even if you're not the one making her happy.

The person I loved the most in any relationship was Rachel. She was good to me. She was geeky, she was submissive, she brought out the absolute best in me. But after a year, things pretty much exploded in my face. She was, as I knew the whole time, mentally ill. I don't mean crazy, or developmentally disabled, but she had BPD, PTSD, and a host of other acronyms. I tried to fix her. It wasn't my job, I should have realized, to fix her. That was made all the more clear when I couldn't even fix myself.

For a time, I made her feel safe, and I made her feel happier than she ever did before, when things went bad for me, and I started taking it out on her, she left me.

The turning point, looking back, was when she came to me and said, “you made me realize I deserve to be happy, and I'm not happy.” That's a hell of a thing to hear. To be proud that you changed someone's life for the better, and at the same time, you're making it worse. As would later become a theme in my own life, the very things helping her were also holding her back. Mainly me. But also her mother, and whatever other things with SSI and things that weren't my business.

She didn't just leave me, she stood up to me. It hurt. But I came to realize later, it was the best thing she could do for herself. I'm proud of her for sticking up to me. And that's a hell of a thing to say. I want her to be happy. And I don't have to be the one making her happy. I had a very short email exchange with her mother, and I was surprised that I even got an answer at all. She's living on her own now, and she's happier than she's been in ten years. If you do the math, that also includes the year she spent with me. The longest she had been without being checked into a hospital was that year.

My actions, both right and wrong helped shape her. I helped make her the person she is now. I don't know if she's dating anyone else, but it really doesn't matter. She's happier with herself than she's ever been before. And that's what counts.

Don't think this sentiment applies only to one person. After Rachel, I dated Ariel. Great girl. Heart of gold. But I knew I was damaged goods when I first met her, and she accepted that. But, I left to go to Pennsylvania, in a failed attempt to start a new life, and she had a boyfriend when I came back to New York. But I was OK with that. Said relationship didn't go so smoothly, I understand, but I made it clear I would not sleep with someone in a monogamous relationship. Fast forward two years. She tells me she went to some kinky geek convention, and she either met, or went with some guy (I never did ask), who collared her, led her around by a leash, and made her his pet. She was so happy to be owned. And I was the one that got her involved in “the lifestyle.” I have to admit, I'm a little envious. But deep down, I'm happy for her. I'm happy that someone makes her happy, and it doesn't have to be me.

I could say the same thing about a few other ex-girlfriends, but they don't have as great stories behind them. But, I'll just say that I'm happy they're happy.

One of my best female friends today is Tiffany. She's in an open relationship, and as long as I've been good friends with her, she's been owned. Her Master though, his shit is all apart. He doesn't have a high paying job; he doesn't live alone. He is very guarded emotionally. He wants to get his shit together, he wants to give Tiffany the privacy, the love, the best life that he can give her, but he just can't. Something is holding him back. Maybe it's a lack of ambition, maybe it's a lack of opportunity coming his way, maybe he can't admit to himself how much he loves her--they've both been hurt in the past. But believe me when I say: I'm rooting for the guy.

Tiffany and I have had so many talks about him. About how he can't make up his mind. How he doesn't have an answer for all her questions. How he keeps her at a distance by only texting and emailing her, and literally not giving her his phone number. I see so much of myself in him. He's the Ghost of Christmas Past. He's who I was, and I don't want to see him make the same mistakes I did. But unlike me, he's insecure, and doesn't like when I see Tiffany, and he'd never listen to me if somehow I got the chance.

I value my friendship with Tiffany. She trusts me to do things to her that she wouldn't trust anyone else to, except for her Master. In our own way, I love her and she loves me. But I've asked her, “am I more important to you than him?” And she told me I'm not, which makes me feel better. I don't want to be a “stand-in” for her Master. I want her to value me for me, and I feel the same way about her. I tell her over and over again, that I don't want to push him aside to make room for myself. I want him to be the one that makes her happy, because when he does make her happy, she's never been happier. But, it looks like he's just pushing her away. So, I tell her to do right by herself. Not for me. For her.

I guess that's the strange thing for me. I don't tend to get jealous much. I could not know someone that well, and be a little upset that it's not me that's with her, but I don't know the whole story. The better I know someone, the better I know if I'm right for them. And the more I care about someone, the more I don't need to be the one caring for them. Even my own mother, after Dad left, she leaned on me, and leaned on me hard. I was her rock. I was the person she turned to. I held her up. I encouraged her to get back in the dating pool, I used my wealth of experience picking up girls online to show her how to optimize her profile, and what to expect from the men she dated. (As in, most of them will be lame, but you'll learn to filter them out with experience.) It took a while, but, for now, she's found someone who makes her very happy. And that makes me happy.