The Person You Knew is Gone

The greatest distance between two people is always time.

This works is both an objective sense, and a subjective sense. Certainly, when a friend is a five minute drive away, you'll see him more than when he's a half hour drive away. And if you have a relationship, even a long distance one, there's a difference between even a four-hour car ride and a four-hour plane ride. And similarly, two people can be busy and not be able to see each other for a while. But what I really mean is time itself. You know, the time that keeps marching on. Over time, you lose the people who are closest to you. People go off to college, get jobs, get married, have kids, move away, or even die. People change over time, priorities change, personalities change. It's a very difficult thing to hang on to a friendship for a long time, to have two people change enough in the same direction.

The past is like a walled garden: It looks inviting, but you can't go there. I look at pictures of my ex-girlfriend sometimes. I have to remind myself that the person in those photos is gone. She's changed. I even heard she's better and happier than she's been in a decade. I don't know whether to take credit for helping her, or blame myself for hurting her. She had to leave me to change. So, the person I loved more than anyone in my entire life is gone. She's someone else now. A better person. But still gone. So I end up missing someone that lives more in my memory. Maybe part of her always did.

My father changed over time. Over time, he became unhappy with his marriage, and snuck around with other women. He deliberately hid his changes from his family, and even when we saw the evidence that foreshadowed his abrupt departure, we ignored it, because we didn't see him as that kind of person. Then, all at once, he revealed himself, and bolted for the door. On the rare occasions that I talk to him, what strikes me the most isn't how he changed, but how much he hasn't changed. With his marriage an abysmal failure, you'd expect some humility, some other changes, some regret over what he's done. But instead, he's the same old Dad. Ask him about any topic, from cars, the Middle East, tax rates, he'll spout out the same factoids and know-it-all attitude that I've heard for three decades. But ask about his marriage? He'll just change the subject.

My mother, on the other hand, has changed a lot since Dad left. It hurt, and she had to look at all the things she had spent years not paying attention to. She had to relearn everything from paying bills to dating. But, she did it. It wasn't easy, but I think, at least with the dating, and with the overall emotional support, I helped. Now, she's stronger, more independent, happier, and seeing someone that really makes an effort to appreciate her, and have a good time with her. Thanks for all you've done, Dad.

You can even make a similar observation about online dating. If you talk to someone online for too long and don't meet, your imagination fills in the gaps. If it turns out that the person you eventually meet doesn't match up to your expectations, you essentially have to let go of the person you thought you really liked. The person you thought you'd be with and the person you actually meet aren't quite the same person. So, that illusion is shattered and the person you “knew” is gone.

And yes, you can say the same thing about yourself. I wouldn't recognize myself at half my age. I was full of rage, full of potential, convinced myself I knew better than everyone around me, but didn't have a clue as to how people interacted. High school is this strange world where you get rewarded academically for spending your time studying and knowing all the answers, or you get rewarded socially by ignoring your studies and hanging out with friends and girlfriends/boyfriends. At fifteen, I had all of one, and none of the other. By twenty five, I had worked so hard to fill in the gaps that fifteen-year old me had, that I had gone the other way. Now I'm thirty. After all I've been through, I don't know if my past self would even know what to make of me. The person I was is gone. Sometimes I like what I've become...sometimes not.

But in one year...five years...ten years... maybe that will all change. The person I am will be gone, replaced by a smarter, happier, more satisfied, richer (in both life and money) me. And I'll be the person I want to be. Or...maybe I won't. But I hope you'll be who you always wanted to be. And maybe reading this will help you get there faster. Your past and future self will thank you.

It's better to have nothing than less than nothing

You will be told over and over again that it's good to have a job. You can hate your job, but people will tell you it's better to have a job than not to have a job. As someone who has held rewarding but underpaying jobs, jobs that caused me nothing but heartbreak, being fired from jobs for being short-tempered, just plain not having a job at all points in between, you need to ask yourself a simple truth: What is this job costing me?

This is not a question to be taken lightly. Many people have good jobs. Perhaps you're one of them. But you have to ask yourself, what are you gaining, and what are you losing? If your job is costing you fun time with your friends, then you're missing the point. If your job works you to the bone and leaves you tired and feeling hollow, what do you get in return? Do you get a big fat paycheck? That paycheck is nice, but there's a part two: when you've got those Beatles-style blisters on your fingers, will it pay off? Or when you stop, will it all go away? It's an admirable goal to work hard for your future, but you have to make sure you're actually doing what you think you're doing. Working for the present moment is not the same. It's up to you if that's what you want, but you absolutely have to ask yourself the question, not just devote yourself to an unappreciative boss, or pay dues in the wrong direction “because it looks good on a resume.”

A resume is not you. It is not your experience. It is barely a summary of your experience. It is a concise highlight reel of where you have been. You are your experience. You carry it around with you everywhere you go. Your resume will not tell anyone what you really learned from a job. Use enough fancy language and you can make getting coffee and putting a bunch of files in alphabetized cabinets sound like you really contributed to the success of the company, rather than just be just another in a line of disposable interns.

What you really learned you will never put on your resume. You won't make any check marks next to what jobs gave you the most shit from customers and coworkers, or how you learned to put up with it. Your resume won't say if you take personal calls or check your email at work. Your resume won't say what job taught you to tune out the stupid music you had to listen to over the PA. Your resume won't say if you really have the drive to make sacrifices, or if you don't; only you know that.

Which brings me back to the question you have to ask yourself: are these sacrifices a worthwhile gift to your future self, or are they just made in vain? There are sales jobs where they literally pay you nothing unless you make them money first. With gas, tolls and lunch, you might be out thirty dollars before you get out of bed in the morning. There are jobs where, as lucrative as they make it seem in the interview, you're just part of a big pyramid scheme, or some other scam, and you might realize it, and you might not. We're not talking about petty principals like “working for the man” or “having to wear a suit,” we're talking about jobs that literally will not reward your hard work, or are morally reprehensible. Remember, they don't have to give a shit, because they can find ten people just like you in a day, but you can't take back whatever you give up for that job until you quit, and you have to weigh the consequences of quitting too.

Not easy questions are they? But when someone tells you, “it's better to have a job than to not have a job,” well, they're talking about a different time. Jobs today aren't like they were thirty years ago, when you could work your way up in a company for decades, get good medical benefits, and all those other relics of a bygone era. A job either makes you money, or makes you lose money. And I'm not just talking about not being reimbursed for gas and tolls, either. If a job doesn't have enough hours and high enough pay, and it's costing you opportunities at better jobs, you're losing. But, if a job that works you too hard, and isn't in the field that interests you, and ends up taking away not just from hobbies, but from your real passion, or costs you opportunities to further the career you really want, you're losing. If you're losing, you need to get out, and get out fast. Other responsibilities are going to pile up fast. You're gonna look at that fat bank account and buy a big screen TV or a fast car; you're going to start dating, get marries, have kids. You're gonna have to pay those bills, or, even worse, have people depending on you, and you'll be more entrenched.

I'm not talking about giving up dreams to have a life of humble accomplishment. God loves the common man, that's why he made so many of them. I'm talking about not believing in bullshit that passes for common sense. Maybe once it was common sense, but it's not any more. It's not bullshit to hit the eject button when you can't get ahead. Stop pushing yourself further into the big muddy. Find a different path. Take what you've learned, write it in a stupid blog, and move on.  

The Kindness of Strangers (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Keep My Middle Finger On The Steering Wheel)

The Kindness of Strangers (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Keep My Middle Finger On The Steering Wheel)

I was riding my bicycle once, when I saw a car make an illegal left turn, and was now heading towards me. Keep in mind, we were in opposite lanes, so I was in no danger of being run over. But, he did make an illegal turn, and, with no police officer to pull him over, I dutifully gave him the one-fingered salute.

About an hour later, I was walking my bike across a busy intersection, when I turned my head and realized that the light had turned green. I was now in the way of traffic. Angry at myself, I yelled “fuck!” at the top of my lungs and hurried the rest of the way across the street. I got to the other side of the street, got on my bike, and started pedaling. Behind me, I heard a driver yell out his window “hey! Fuck you too!” I didn't even turn my head or slow down.

It occurred to me as I rode down the street the silliness of it, the pointlessness of the interaction. What was I going to do, turn around, follow the guy, and say “I'm sorry, kind sir, but that loud exclamation was directed at myself, not towards you, and I humbly apologize if I offended your constitution in any way.” No, he had gone his way, and I had gone mine.

If I had to guess, the guy who made that left turn had the same reaction to me as I did towards the second driver...none. As surely as he failed to see, or care about, the no-left turn, I'm sure he didn't see me. But, even if he did, I think it's a pretty safe bet that, upon seeing me, he didn't think to himself, “Gee, maybe it's about time to reexamine my lifestyle choices.”

So why even bother? There's no real interaction when it comes to driving or biking. You're in one of two modes: ignoring, or open hostility. It's very binary, and very much a one-way communication. At best, you'll get a wave to say “whoops!” and that only moves you in the mind of the other driver from the category of “fucking asshole” to “fucking idiot.”

You could make a similar argument over breaking the rules of grammar, and your mental, or even out-loud, attempts to correct someone else's spelling, writing, or speaking. It's really pointless when you get right down to it. The other person communicated something, you understood it, even if it burns your brain that you had to do some of the thinking for them. When it comes to correcting someone else's grammar who did specifically ask for it, you're kind of limited to your own children and your immediate family members under the age of twelve. After that, you just gotta cringe and suck it up.

The real root of this frustration comes from a sense of unfairness. You see a person breaking a rule and getting away with it. Or perhaps you're right about something and someone else is wrong.

Either way, what you really wish for is some higher power (be it God, a judge, a cop, whatever) to do some smiting...or at least point a finger, or raise someone's hand. You want a judge, not in a legal sense, but of a boxing match sense.

But the truth is...no one is keeping score. In life, there's no grand scale where your deeds are measured against someone else's, or some grand inquisitor who lowers his chin to his shoulder or strokes his beard and then points to a winner. It's just life. We're all “that asshole” at some point or another. And if you get your blood pressure up, what did it accomplish? 

Believe it or not, when you extend your middle finger, or correct someone who doesn't know the different between “you and me” and “you and I,” you're trying to take power over the situation, that, in reality, you don't have. It's a sort of vigilante justice, but unlike Batman, who has his utility belt and years of martial arts training, you've got...well, you've got an attitude. And if your attitude is always seeking a reaction, you only serve to lower your value. Just like that guy who yelled at me and got nothing in return. Just like me, too. And depending on just who you mess with, that attitude might get you into trouble. What it won't get you is some kind of apology, or any change in behavior from its recipient. So just live with the fact that people have their own standards, and they don't have to live up to yours. In the end, you really are better off adding value to other peoples' lives instead of taking value away from yourself.   

The Process and the Result

I've always defined “talent” as the ability to appreciate the process, not the result. See, anyone can appreciate the results of hard work, but most people don't understand the hard work it takes to get there. Anyone who thinks talent is something you're born with, I think is only right in the sense that the ability to stick with something over another thing is something you're born with. Sure, you have a few true child prodigies, like Mozart, but those are rare exceptions. In fact, they're so rare that they make the history books. Even if a sports star or an actor or musician “bursts on the scene,” they did a ton of work to get there in the first place. The ability to do that ton of work, that's what I consider “talent.”

The ability to appreciate the process, and not focus on the result, goes far beyond sports and music. Consider dieting. I've always maintained it's easier to lose fifty pounds than it is to lose five. If you want to lose five pounds, you'll skip desert, do a little bit of exercise, and once you lose those five pounds, well, then what? If it's to look good for an important party, or a trip to the beach, you just say no to fatty foods for a while, then you pretty much fall back on your old habits. But what if you really want to lose a lot of weight? Then it's not just a temporary behavioral change, you have to change your mindset. You pretty much have to change everything about how you treat your body. If you really get into it, you can really study how weight works, how food, exercise, even your sleep patterns affect your weight. If you can really enjoy the process of exercising, and put a positive spin on eating healthy, you won't be saying “no” to those cookies, you'll be saying “yes!” to healthy fruits and vegetables.

You don't have to be professional to appreciate the process. Some people enjoy eating good food, and some people really get a kick out of the slicing, dicing, and frying. These are the people who, if you let them, will talk about their fifty-year old cast-iron cookware that's been perfectly seasoned. You'll see the same kinds of behavior when computer nerds talk about how they can overclock their CPUs, or car people talk about how they can turbo-charge their engines to be louder and faster, and yes, when it comes to cars, people can go the other way, too, talking about how high their mileage is, and sharing how they do it. Comic book collectors buy comics they never take out of their boarded plastic bags.. They care more about the collecting than the comics! Two people on the same wavelength can talk for hours about it. Two people that aren't? Well, eyes will be rolled.

“The process” is where progress is made. Whatever skill you want to master, be it playing an instrument, wiring a home theater, or talking to hot girls, you just have to keep at it. You've heard that practice makes perfect? Well, almost. Practice makes permanent. Perfect practice makes perfect. More to the point, going through the process is what makes you understand how your body feels under stress, develop muscle memory, understand what works and what doesn't, and why.

Hopefully, you can develop these skills in a low-pressure environment, build up the pieces, then bring them together. This is known as “practice the parts, and rehearse the whole.” Not all situations work like that, unfortunately, but you can give yourself an edge by mentally preparing, rehearsing the whole in your imagination. For example, you won't learn how to do job interviews until you've been on a few, and then you've got high stakes. But you can go to job coaches, learn about the company, ask yourself the questions you think they'll ask, and even take note of what questions stump you in an interview, and what to say better next time. Keep at it, and there will always be a next time. Maybe you don't have the confidence to go up to an attractive girl, but you can build up to it with online dating, even if not every conversation turns into a date.

In most cases, skills are built on top of other skills. You can practice a song, then learn to play with other musicians, then learn to play in front of a crowd. There's a skill to learning to find jobs, and write a good cover letter and resume, then learning to interview, and only then can you learn what it takes to actually hold down a job, which is a whole other set of skills that you learn over time. This is why many jobs list years of experience in years, sometimes you'll need a decade or more of experience to even be considered. Same with dating, although no one will ask that you have been in a relationship for five years to be considered dating material. That one you're on your own for.

So look at what works, and what doesn't. You should have a goal, but don't focus exclusively on the goal. You'll only look at what you haven't accomplished. Concentrate on the process. Appreciate it. Make working towards the goal the goal itself, and you will achieve greatness.