Hotness by the numbers

I remember in high school, I complained to a friend that if gelled up my hair, wore different clothes, and acted differently, that I wouldn't be myself, and I wanted a girl who liked me for me. He told me bluntly that if I wanted someone to like me for me, don't expect her to be hot. Time has proven him right.

But the pool was too small. Remember this was just high school. There were about 100 people in my grade, and I could barely consider dating a girl outside my grade, let alone another school. So I had a pool of about 100 people, do the math, we've got about 50 girls, of which let's say the top half I longed for, and the other half I more or less ignored. That makes for about two dozen hot girls. And of course I had no idea what I was doing.

But take a few years out, you've experienced college, maybe some work, maybe you've discovered your strengths in meeting people, be it on the internet, going to nightclubs, or just saying hello to people on the street. You've also got about five years age difference either direction, so that translates to ten years, even more if you're the adventurous type. And you've got a car or know how to use public transportation. Let's say you put a limit of about a half hour drive on how far you'll go to meet someone, and maybe 45 minutes to an hour if the girl really has something special to offer. So now you've got a huge pool to go after.

The next step is to change your standards. I didn't say lower them, I said change them. There's a reason most high school students fit into neat categories like “nerd,” “jock” “mean girl” and “goth loner.” Sure, you may say to yourself, you're more than (fill in stereotype here), but the fact is, you're not. You're in high school. You have the same petty concerns as every other teenager. You have no life experience. All you know is safely insulated behind the walled garden that is high school. I saw beyond high school, I knew it was all bullshit, and I was labeled, not to my disapproval, “The Enigma.” I'm sure every other high school had an enigma, too. So, you don't have much character to judge girls by. Only their looks. You're young, you're horny, girls seem like they're from another planet with a different way of talking, thinking, and oh God do you want them. Because that's all you see is what's right in front of you.

But now you're older. You're independent. Once you establish a certain threshold of attractiveness, you have the luxury of not being so shallow. You can judge a girl not by how she looks, but how she looks at you. Whether she makes you feel loved, appreciated, and special, or if she's just another bitch that gives you a hard time. I have some news for you: if every girlfriend you have is a hot girl, but she treats you like shit, maybe it's about time you changed you stopped looking at girls who look good on your arm and start focusing girls that warm your heart. They're out there. Even for a shithead like you. You might have to actually learn to accommodate, to compromise, to have a little ambition instead of playing X-Box all day. But you don't have to gel your hair.

I always tell girls, “I'm good, but I'm not nice.” It pretty much sums up what I have to offer. I've come to the conclusion there are no nice guys. There are the guys who are nice because they want something from the girl, and there are the guys who stand in the corner, jealously watching, and never understanding how girls keep going out with guys who treat them like shit. Well, maybe they make the girl feel good by having a little fun flirting with her; maybe she likes bad boys, because that sense of danger turns her on a little bit. Or maybe that guy had the balls to go up to the girl and say “hey nice shoes, they'd look great pointed toward my ceiling,” and you just stood there wishing, so you tell yourself you're a nice guy, but what you really are is too shit scared to make a move.

So stop being so shallow. Stop being so “nice.” Stop making excuses. If you like rock climbing, find a girl who likes climbing rocks. If you like playing World of Warcraft, yeah, there are nerdettes are out there, but no one's going to bust down your door and offer themselves to you. At least start with an online profile. But.. you know, you gotta leave the house sooner or later.

Whether you realize it right away or not, you do have tools at your disposal, but you have to learn how to use them, and how best to play to your strengths. And I haven't even started on the way you act, stand, talk, make eye contact. Strap yourself in, you're gonna fail, and you're gonna fail hard, but keep at it until you get it right. But you can't even do that until you take the first step. Which is to get some hair gel.