I've learned from painful experience that you cannot control someone else's emotions. You cannot turn them off. You can never assume they will not be fluid. They will change. How you feel one moment can change, and change suddenly. There is no logic behind emotion. They are polar opposites. And you simply have to accept that, and work within those boundaries. You cannot control how someone else feels. In fact, it's almost impossible to control your own feelings. Sometimes, you can see something, or smell something, or be reminded of something in a conversation, and before you know it, you're feeling anxious, or depressed, or happy and excited.
What you can control is the way you act on your own feelings, and how considerate you are of others' feelings.
I've struggled for years to just figure out how other people think, how other people feel, how other people just plain function in the world, because my mind is just so different than everyone else's.
As near as I can figure, good therapy helps to figure out why you feel a certain way, so you can act ON the thing making you feel that way, rather than act OUT, and do something stupid and impulsive. It's rarely one thing that makes you do one other thing. It's the buildup of tension that makes you flip out, act out, act rash, say angry or hurtful things. You can get yourself into a negative feedback loop if you keep telling yourself how shitty things are for you. Or, just as easily, you can stop, take a breath, and realize, "this too shall pass."
There are a number of examples that stick out in my mind of looking for a way to vent frustration, even in an unhealthy way. One of the times that sticks out was when I got my car towed. I had been in The City auditioning for a New Year's gig. I made it clear to the host that I had to be out by 11, since they'd tow my car at 11. I said that as a figure of speech, I didn't think they'd literally tow my car at 11. Anyway, I got my spot switched with someone, so I played at 11:40 instead of 11:20, and I came to my car at about 11:02. Or maybe 11:04. Or maybe 11:06. Well, by every reasonable measure, if I met you for dinner, you wouldn’t say I was “late.” New York City cops? Well, they aren’t so forgiving. By the time I got to my car, it was already on the truck. We’re not talking about cops heading out for the night and I was the first on the list, they must’ve been waiting down the block counting the seconds. But, whatever the case, I was good and rightly fucked. I didn’t even have my jacket, I left it in the car because the club was so warm, even though it was a cold, November night.
So, despite my pleas, the only thing the cops could do is shrug their shoulders and say “get it at the pound.” Now, here comes wonder of decentralization. The guy who towed my car? He’s gone, and he’s just doing his job anyway (funny, that line worked so well at Nuremberg). The cop who wrote the ticket? Well, I shouldn’t have been late. The people behind the desk at the tow pound? They’re just trying to help, don’t give them any guff.. Basically the whole situation everybody's got one part in it, so no one person can give you a break. Of course, they do take their sweet fucking time.
So, you wait. There’s no option to do otherwise. You just wait. And pay the $185 to get your car back, and you still owe that ticket, don’t forget. There is nothing you can do about it. Period. End of story. You’re just fucked.
So, at my absolute lowest, I act out. I called up my girlfriend and started screaming at her. I was so low at that point that I just wanted a reaction. I wanted to make her cry, or feel bad, or just something awful, and maybe the worst part of it is: I even knew it while it was happening. That's low. To hurt someone, and know you're doing it...to someone you love? I apologized the next day, but... It was wrong. She may have forgiven me, or at least said she did, but it's still wrong.
(Side note: I never paid the actual parking ticket, I pleaded "Not guilty," sent in the form, and never heard back from anyone.)
But there are other ways that I thought I could control her emotions, and again, usually in a way that favors me. One Valentine's Day, I didn't get her anything. I said ahead of time that I wasn't going to. But... why? Do I have something against Valentine's Day? Did I think it was alright that just because I was in this Dominant role, and she's submissive, well...Dominant doesn't mean being a dick, it means taking care of someone. And maybe she didn’t need roses, or an expensive, crowded restaurant , but the truth is, I should have done something. It could have been something small. It could have been something within that role, like a set of handcuffs, or a toy, but...I was just being an asshole, and I thought I could get away with it. When she called me on it, I took her shopping for shoes, but the truth is, it was a half-hearted measure, and also one that I didn't make clear was for a gift. Next time, I'll get something ahead of time. Just like you buy a Halloween costume ahead of time. Maybe it won’t be a surprise, and I’ll show what I’m thinking of getting ahead of time. Maybe I’ll play it safe that way. But, whatever it is, I'm not going to hide behind some role. Valentine’s Day might be an over commercialized, artificial holiday, but so what? Show you appreciate someone. Show that they’re who you want.
When you make someone feel that they aren't enough, well, it hurts. You can't make it not hurt, you can only not do it. If you're the boyfriend who always pushes for a threesome, or always wants your girlfriend to be just a few pounds thinner, or tries to change the way a girl behaves, thinks, feels... it isn't going to happen, or if it does, the change won't be the way you want it. Maybe you can get your girlfriend to quit smoking. If you’re into a certain sport, game, movie, whatever, you can get to like it too. I think that's about as far as any person can change another person.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise when she wanted to grow, and I didn't want her to, that I acted out. I wanted her to stay in this little box, and she dumped me and called me abusive. Was I abusive? I don't think so, but she had been abused in the past, and she was sensitive. I, on the other hand, was insensitive to her needs, and kept on doing what I was doing, even though now I knew it was hurting her. Maybe she realized that she wasn't going to change me. She did the right thing.
You can't force someone to love you. You can't even force someone to hate you. You can, of course, through your actions, cause someone to do either. Under the best of situations, you can make someone happy by just being yourself. But, you have to be your best self. You do have to put some work into it. People can forgive you if you slip up, but you can't be at your worst all the time. If you want someone to love you, make them happy. If you want someone to hate you, make them unhappy. Getting any more specific than that...well there's no trick to it. Just be your best self. No matter how someone feels at one time, they won't feel that way forever.
So don’t take someone for granted. Don’t make a calculated risk that you can treat someone like shit, and they won’t find someone better. Don’t make someone take the bad with the good any more than you have any control over. Just don’t play with someone’s emotions. Be genuine, make them feel safe, make them feel secure, and the rest will mostly fall into place.
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