Why I'm (Almost) an Atheist

Comedian Todd Glass pretty much summed up his attitude toward atheism this way:

“I'm a hardcore atheist,” he said, “but what if I'm 100% wrong, and I get up to heaven, and God looks over my life, and says 'well, it seems you're a comedian, you've brought a lot of joy to people's lives, you've given money and time to charity, and you've been a devoted family man. You've done a lot of good things with your life,” then, Todd Glass, taking an exaggerated, sarcastic tone, said, “But you didn't do it for me!”

Both Penn Jillette, in his book “God, No!” and Dr. Michale Shermer, editor of Skeptic Magazine, have pointed out, in one way or another, that where and when you live, and are raised, makes for different beliefs and religions, but, there is no such thing as “Western Science,” or “Eastern Science;” if you found a way to somehow wipe out all of human knowledge, human beings may come up with different religions, different ways to deal with death, and the possibility of an afterlife, but, over a long enough period of time, we would arrive at scientific truths.

It's also kind of silly to base all your knowledge on a book. What's more, the Bible has been translated and retranslated a dozen times in a dozen languages, updated with a “second edition” (The New Testament), interpreted by different scholars in different ways, influenced by leaders, from priests to kings, copied by dictation in medieval times by literate monks, and then later became available to the masses through the printing press. And remember, the Bible started as oral tradition and history, it was in a language that nobody speaks anymore, no one can find the original copy (Indiana Jones made a go of it), and no one would be able to translate it, or barely even read it, due to the extreme age of document. This is a giant game of “telephone” that started about four thousand years before telephones were invented. And, remember, that's if you actually believe every single word of it. Remember, this is the same book that says you can't have gay sex in the same paragraph it says you can't eat shrimp. Strange how Jesus made a new covenant with God that allowed us to eat bacon and not circumcise penises, but people tend to leave out the part about, oh I don't know, loving your neighbor, turning the other cheek, not engaging in unfair banking practices...I could go on. As I'm fond of saying, the Bible says a lot of silly things.

But, book or no book, White-bearded man with a list looking down on humanity rewarding or punishing you—I call it the “Santa Claus God, I still can't help but feel there is “something” out there. I look up at the sky, and see all those stars, all those moons and planets, and just gaze in wonder. What are the chances that, of all the eons, in all the universe, there would be a planet that was just the right distance from a yellow sun, just the right chances that, out of a nearly infinite number of possibilities, the universe ended up the way it did, the planet ended up the way it did, the human race ended up the way it did, hell, even my family ended up the way it did.

What are the chances that evolution would end up with sentient life, self aware bipeds with opposable thumbs, who would design tools, figure out language, how to read and write, and so on. Intelligence was never a prerequisite for life on this planet we call “Earth,” the dinosaurs did just fine for 160 million years; there are over a million kinds of insects, and they don't seem to have much priorities in life besides eating, mating, and not dying for as long as possible (although, to be fair, that's what most of us humans want too, we just want a lot more). The odds of me existing are nearly zero. The odds of me having the brain I have, with my ADHD, my creativity, my bad habits, everything that lead me to where I am, emotionally, logically, financially, geographically, could it have gone any other way? I'll never know.

I never describe myself as an agnostic. Agnostics are just people who can't make up their minds. On the spectrum, I'm closer to a hardcore atheist than a Fred Phelps, or suicide bomber hardcore believer. Most people pick and choose their religious beliefs like belief was a Chinese menu (let's see, I'm pro-bacon, I'm pro-birth control, but homosexuality is a sin).

So when I look at all that history, when I get reflective looking up at the stars in the sky, I can't help but think the God I believe in is probability. Can you pray to that kind of God? Well, think about this: before a big sporting event, you say “good luck,” and afterward, the winner will usually thank God. Childbirth today is an ordeal that is more scientific than religious, what with the disinfected sheets, the pain killers, the experienced doctors and nurses, all good things to do the most natural thing in the world, all to make a tiny miracle, so everyone can say “our baby is healthy, thank God.”

Also on the subject of prayer, another comedian, Marc Maron, has pointed out that even saying “What the Fuck!” can be a carthartic, even religious, experience. So, by that token, you can say that prayer is more to make yourself feel better, and, like most placebos, it can be a good thing, under the right circumstances. Even when you pray for someone else. I saw a poster once, referring to the war in the Middle East, that proclaimed “operation prayer shield.” A nice though, but I'd rather our troops have body armor than our thoughts and prayers.

I don't believe in a God who makes “everything happen for a reason.” I believe that it's up to me to make meaning from every bad thing that happens, to learn from every mistake as best I can. No one's whispered the right answers in my ears so far. But, who can you thank, if not God? If God is just a force of nature, I can accept that. I don't think I have much say in the matter, whether God is a zephyr, or a Caucasian male looking down on the world making big, worldly decisions, like which country to smite, which football player to catch a ball, or who to bless after they sneeze.

So yes, I'll say “Goddamn it!” if I can't find my keys, as much as I try to avoid it, being Jewish and all, I find myself saying “Jesus!” occasionally, or maybe a shortened “jeez!” although, I usually say “What the Fuck!”