The Person You Don't Want To Be

It's a question with infinite possibilities. There are no right answers. And I'm not just talking about what kind of job, I mean what you do with your life, the entirety of it. Rock star, plumber, carpenter, heiress, dominant, submissive, husband, father, what do they all have in common? You can't do them on your own. You can be a musician without a band, but you need an audience, preferably a paying one; any kind of skilled trade, you need training, apprenticeship, licenses, and finally, customers; want to be born rich? Too late; Want to be kinky? You can fantasize all you want, but if someone doesn't play along, you're not a Dom, you're an asshole, and hopefully not a rapist, or you're not a sub, you're a victim waiting to happen; spouse or parent? Well, you definitely need someone else's approval for that to happen.

But, what can you do, what can you be, when you only answer to yourself? The only thing you can do is start checking things off your list. Life will have twists and turns. You might want to be a writer, an athlete, an astronaut, a doctor, and any number of things can stop you in your tracks, from unexpected responsibilities, injuries, or just realizing out one day that you changed your mind. On the other hand, you can decide what you don't want to be. You don't choose to be a homosexual, but you do decide you're not going to live a dishonest, closeted, life. You can cross off careers that aren't for you, whether you've tried them or not. You can decide what kind of music you don't like. You can make a decision as to what kind of relationships you don't want, what opportunities are worth turning down, or, decide to stop being a person who is afraid to take risks. No one chooses to be an addict, but you can decide enough is enough, and it's time to change. It may be harder than you think it is, but you can be a recovering, or recovered addict. You make a decision to not be that person anymore. You become someone else. You may have the same memories of that person, but you won't think like him anymore. Eventually.

The person I don't want to be? I don't want to be the kind of person who hurts people. I don't want to be the kind of person that betrays people. I don't want to be closed-minded, live a life where I define myself by a piece of paper, I don't want to be in my thirties and still living at home. Oh wait, that last part? That requires someone else's permission, it requires money. But it also requires drive, commitment, budgeting, setting priorities, letting go of your deep-seated roots, it requires accepting living with less, it requires confidence that yes, you can take care of yourself, it requires not being afraid. All of those qualities I just mentioned...they don't depend on anyone else. They require me to have a mindset that I can accomplish a goal that is both enormous and every day. It means I must not be the person I was when I was twenty five. Or twenty seven. Or twenty nine. There will be setbacks. I refuse to let them set me back.

So I know the person I don't want to be. I don't want to be socially awkward. I don't want to be lazy. I don't want to be out of shape. I don't want to wander through life without a purpose. I don't want to go against what I know is right for me. I want to be a writer, and that means not doing a host of other things that I once thought I'd be good at. I don't want to spend my day dicing around on the internet looking at girls when I should be looking for jobs. I don't want to be I don't want to cling to stupid principals, like wanting to sleep late, or having a short commute, or not wearing a tie, or even refuse to take medication that I know I need. Grow the fuck up. I don't want to live in a state of suspended adolescence any more. And the only thing stopping me is me. I don't want to be that person anymore.