What Are Manners?

What are manners?

What are good manners, and what are good manners for? This may sound like too obvious a question, but I think it's one of those things that we take so much for granted, it's worth exploring.

When I was younger, my mother would tell me to do things, like cut my food with the knife in my right hand, then put the knife down, and eat with my right hand, instead of eating with the fork in my left hand, which was something I could do when I was younger. One day, I looked down, and I noticed I was cutting my steak, then putting the knife down. I was told that was good manners. But, I think that either my mom, or my memory, was wrong. I don't care which fork or spoon goes on which side. At best, it falls under etiquette, not manners, but I think they both have a “stuff” connotation. So let's push aside the stuffiness and instead, let's break down manners into two categories: Things you do to other people, and things that are done to you.

Things that are done to are pretty easy to recognize as bad manners, but we don't often call them that. When someone pulls up next to you at a red light, his radio blasting profanity-filled music, the windows rolled down in his Suburbo-Monstromobile, your first thought probably isn't “boy that guy sure is being rude and inconsiderate.” You call that person an asshole. And while I could parse out all the different subtleties between being an asshole, a dick, a cunt, or any other nickname of choice, all these are are adult words for a more basic concept: manners. When you think only of yourself, and not how your actions affect other people, you are being rude. I've been called “rude” on many occasions, and it always struck me as a quaint word. Not to mention nearly specific enough. So, if it helps, if someone thinks your behavior is “rude,” just think to yourself, “I'm being an asshole! And I didn't even realize it!”

Showing manners towards other people, well that's a little more tricky, because generally speaking, you don't know what the other person's limits are, and that can vary according to context, place, even how many people are in the room. I once had a conversation with a girlfriend about whether I should fart in her presence. Her view was that it showed how I could really let my guard down and be myself around her. I'm pretty confident that her view is a view shared with very few girlfriends and wives in the world. I've had friends (male friends, of course) loudly announce their farts, and I believe a small part of it is to establish that they were the “alpha male” of the room. And, I can think of another situation, where my college roommate would fart at his desk as he did his work. I honestly can't blame him. It's his room, too, and while you can disguise, minimize, or just plain hold it in when you're in a public setting, he has to concentrate on his work, not his bowels. And really, I did the same thing.

But things like farting, burping, and other basic hygienic habits are, again, pretty easy to understand and handle, in a professional setting. Because those limits are set out pretty early. When you're ten, you flaunt your disregard for those rules, and, in most cases, we grow out of them, because nothing will cause you to clench your asshole quite like having a lot of responsibilities dropped on your shoulders.

I've already brought up “sales time,” which is the concept that you supplicate, at least temporarily, to show that you value the other person's time more than your own. (Ironically, a good salesman will supplicate before a pitch meeting, then immediately establish his dominance.) Why would anyone wear a tie, or, for that matter, a suit, particularly, when you consider how impractical it is to wear a suit, tie and jacket in all but the most specific climate controlled conditions. And certainly there is a case to be made on the environmental benefits of not having to crank up the A/C or heat for the comfort of people wearing uncomfortable clothes. But be honest, it may take a lot more work to put on a cleaned and pressed suit, tie and jacket, than say throw on a ratty tee shirt and sweats, but you know you look better in the suit. So, just like showing up on time, it's a matter of respect towards your boss, coworkers, or whoever you're with, to be a little less comfortable for the benefit of the people who have to look at you.

So whether it's a social convention, like ties, or maybe looking down at the newspaper or your phone during a meal with someone, or just not paying attention when someone is talking to you, try to think first, how would it feel if someone did that to you? And it's entirely possible that you'd be okay with it. But then, second, realize this person is not you. They don't necessarily share your values, or have clued you in on what they are. This is why you should overdress for a job interview, and dress like the boss when you get the job.

So, as the classical philosophical argument goes, your right to swing your fist ends at my nose. And those are manners. In some cases, those social expectations are clearly laid out, and sometimes, less so. But you navigate life as best you can, learn how to read people, and, in just about every case...you're better off holding in that fart till you get to the bathroom.