A relationship can end for any number
of reasons; one person can change, both people can change, distance
may be a factor, or money; maybe one day you just look around and say
“I thought this was what I wanted, but now that I have it, I found
out it wasn't.” But what hurts even more than the missing of the
other person, is the hurt of losing someone's trust.
Trust is not something you can put on a
shelf and forget about. It's not something you can steal, but it is
something you can lose. It can be broken, and it can be repaired, but
never be the way it was. Trust is a verb. It is something you do.
Treat it like something you do, not something you have.
I can't tell you the right way to break
up with someone, but I can tell you the wrong way. Don't try to “game
the system,” because there is no system, and what you call “the
system” is made up of people. And I'm pretty sure it's made up of
people you say you care about.
Don't try to schedule a breakup before
or after a birthday, anniversary, or holiday (Christmas and
Valentine's Day come to mind) because you want to receive, or, avoid
giving some gift or physical favor. Just don't schedule it at all. A
good relationship should have a continually-evolving,
multi-dimensional, omni-directional open system of communication.
This doesn't mean be an asshole and say every bad thing about your
partner that comes to mind. But when your racing thoughts about your
partner are keeping you up at night, it's time to open your mouth and
start talking. Don't make a plan B, don't pack your escape pod, and
don't even think “it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.”
Be kind, be aware, and be open. Just tell the truth, and work it out.
And if you can't work it out, then leave with your head held high.
Don't make any subtle hints that you're
unhappy with your partner. Come out and say them. If you're going to
a strip club, say you're going to a strip club. If you want to try
out some crazy kink and don't know how she'll react? Don't just leave
your web site history open, what should be open is your mouth.
The less you say, the more the other
person can imagine. Cut them off, let them stew, they'll think
there's someone else, or they just aren't good enough. It's going to
hurt no matter what, but there's no need to twist the knife. The
simple fact is, it will break someone down more than you can ever
imagine not to have some sort of closure on a relationship. It will
affect them, it will change the way they think about themselves. It
may inspire them with anger, or simply build up to a direction-less
rage.
Time will test any warrior's mettle. It
will test any lover's mettle as well. There is nothing that will
quite end a search for happiness like finding it. But, then what? You
have your boat, where will you go? You got what you wanted, now what
will you do with it? Will you spend your life making yourself
unhappy, even if you don't realize it, by always looking for the next
thing, thinking you can do better, even as you convince yourself that
the other person will never do better than you?
It's a bad gamble to take, my friend, a
very bad gamble. Because when you lose, you'll be the one with all
the questions that don't have answers. You'll be the one forced to
take a good look at yourself and try to change without knowing what
to change to, or even from. What lessons will you take from the
experience, and will they be the right ones?
You invest in a relationship. You
invest your time. You invest yourself. You invest your imagined
future. And when it ends, that future goes with it. So, the more you
invest in a relationship, the more it hurts, because you're mourning
multiple things at once: the person's companionship, the loss of
trust, and the future you thought you'd have. Nothing is so hard to
make and so easy to lose as a future.
Which means, inevitably, you must focus
on the present. Whatever stage of a relationship you are in,
including just looking for one, you have to appreciate the process
itself. Appreciate the hurt of a relationship gone wrong, and how it
can inspire you; appreciate the process of finding, of weeding out
what you don't want, and how to better find what you do want, whether
it's what to say at a bar (or stay away from bars), what to say on an
online profile, and even appreciate the free time you have to focus
on other things, instead of making someone else's happiness your
priority; and then, when you have that moment, that perfect moment,
when you realize you found someone who not only can appreciate you
for who you really are, but who you can make happiest by being
yourself, and can bring out not just the best in your, but more of
yourself than you ever imagined...hang on to that moment. Hang on to
it because there's no guarantee it will last. But know also that that
moment can last for years.
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