The Litmus Test of a Relationship

Hopefully, you learn from your failures. I'll start this story with a failure. My girlfriend at the time, Nicole, was having a night out with the girls. She called me at some point in the evening, and I could tell she was already good and sloshed. I suggested to her that she slow down, but she instead continued to drink...so much that she was taken to a hospital after stumbling down a flight of stairs.

A few things to keep in mind:

I was in Westchester, she was in the city. It was about three in the morning when I got the call. Her friends had to go to work or something, so they just bailed on her and expected me to pick up the pieces. I drove out as fast as I could to the hospital, but what I was supposed to do there wasn't exactly clear. I didn't bring a change of clothes, a book, an ipod, or anything. In fact, I remember that I parked legally, but did a shitty job, and was way out on the curb. I wasn't sure what to expect, or what was expected of me. That's important to keep in mind.

So, I came in to see her, she reeked of vomit, she looked like hell, and the damage has been done. So.... now what? Well, I talk to the intake nurse, give her what little info I have on her. At that point it begins to dawn on me that even though I've seen her take tons of pills, and I know some of her physical handicaps, I don't know the names of any of her medications. So, I'm not much help. Once I've done that, I ask the nurse what I should do. There's really nothing I can do to help her at this point, and I've never been very good at just waiting around with no clue how long I'll be waiting, so I decide to go home. Did I make the right choice? I don't know, but it was 4:00 AM, I was dead tired, and I got the impression from the nurse that she'd be sedated for hours.

Then comes the call. Nicole woke up around 7:00 AM, and, as you can imagine, she was scared and angry. She had woken up in a hospital, no one was there for her, she was blackout drunk, and didn't even remember how she got there. Again, I drove as fast as I could to the hospital, but, as I said...the damage had been done.

Let's review the two big lessons here.

First, I've since learned to be prepared. You'll usually find me carrying a backpack, and, depending on the particular day, and time of year, you may find my iPod, a book, a lightweight flannel shirt, maybe some sunblock, eye drops, nasal spray, sunglasses, sometimes a flashlight. Now this may sound like overkill, but anytime the weather got cold and dark, I had my flashlight and shirt.

In this case, it would have helped to have a nice fresh shirt, and, noting how much smaller Nicole was than me, a pair of pajama pants. Maybe if I had a little advance warning, I could have brought that. Hey, maybe even a pillow, or at least a hooded sweatshirt that could be folded up and used as a pillow.

But the real lesson is the mentality. How long you stay with someone in the hospital is a gauge of how seriously you take a relationship. This applies not just to romantic relationships, but any relationship; family, friend, maybe even someone from work. Depending on how serious you are, you might pop in for a few minutes to say hi to someone you know casually, or might stay the whole night, or as stay for as many visiting hours as you can.

Despite my supposed feelings toward Nicole, and how seriously I took her as a girlfriend, when the time came to act, I failed, and failed big. I think part of it was the simple idea that I was supposed to just know, automatically, what I was supposed to do. It's also worth keeping in mind that you can drop everything and go somewhere, or you can gather some belongings, but you can't do both.

Fast forward several years. My mom, just weeks after having major surgery to remove cancers from her stomach, was in agony, an we called an ambulance. My mom was awake, and did tell me to meet her at the hospital with some pairs of underwear and a tee shirt or two. I had the luxury, if you can call it that, of being able to take a deep breath, collect my head and her belongings, and drive to the hospital at a reasonable pace. I stayed with her till one in the morning, when she said it was OK for me to go home. And I visited her almost every day. Looks like I learned something.